Kingdom of Dos-a-lot
as told by Sir Optimize and written by Carlos DaSilva

Part the Second

In the cover of night, Sir Optimize rode upon his valiant steed, Assem-blur. He glanced behind him to see the war-torn village of Dos-a-lot in flames. Wyndoes EnnTee Sirvir was ravaging the land and t'was nothing he could do about it. Or was there...

The evil Sategllib may have won the battle, but has he won the war? Not according to the twelve coders of the round disk...

As Optimize approached the crossed trees signifying the meeting place, the meeting was already in session.

"I am telling thee, Sirvir has a weakness!" said Coder Wedge.

"Fool, Sirvir is not built as Wyndoes 95 is built. It does not need Dos-a-lot to survive. We are doomed." proclaimed Coder Biggs.

Optimize said, "No, you are the fool. Sirvir does have a weakness."

On a bed nearby, King Gatesway tried to get up and speak, but pain pinned him down. As he stared at the thatched roof, he spoke in slow tones, "Correct, First Coder, there is a weakness. Wyrkstayshuns and Sirvirs are more alike than thou all knowest."

"What are you trying to say, my liege?" said Wedge.

"Sir Optimize knows more, but now I must rest for the final confrontation."

"The final confrontation? Optimize, you must tell us now what this is all about!" proclaimed Biggs.

"The evil Sirvir can be reduced to a mere Wyrkstayshun with the mere reconfiguration of one of it's Rejystree options..." said Optimize as he developed a smug smirk.

"Surely you jest, just with my own eyes I can see the difference. Not to mention all of its internal workings!" said Wedge.

"The size is mere padding. Its internal workings are identical to Wyrkstayshun, I can assure ye of that."

"This just... shatters my mind, can it possibly be true?" said Biggs.

"Tis true. See for thine self..." said Optimize as he scribbed on a parchment. The parchment read only the following:

"Incredible..." said Wedge.

"Aye." said Biggs.

"We attack at dawn."

o o o

Sategllib's maniacal laughter echoed throughout the forest, as the vicious Sirvir laid each abode to waste.

As the sun cracked its first beams of light over the countryside, the vast wasteland became ever more apparent as smolderings embers of wood spotted the village.

The evil priests of Micro$oft were already proclaiming the greatness of Dy-rect-ecks to the defecting clans. Like zombies wandering aimlessly, one after another agreed to defect from Dos-a-lot to Dy-rect-ecks.

Suddenly, a rock pelted Sirvir on it's back. The immediate reaction of swinging around threw Sategllib down, face-first into a pile of dung.

"Now you smell just like Dy-rect-ecks." someone quipped.

Sategllib lifted his head and wiped the dung from his eyes. As his sight focused, he saw a pair of boots. Looking up ever higher, the crest of Dos-a-lot reflected the sunlight into Sategllib's slitted retinas.

"Your billions won't buy you out of this one, Sategllib. FIGHT, YOU PASTY-FACED LITTLE NERD!" King Gatesway exclaimed as he dropped a sword onto Sategllib's back.

"That will be your last mistake..." Sategllib shrieked, finding the sword rather difficult to lift.

Gatesway lifted the mighty sword of Pentium into the sky, and proceeded to swing it in a circular fashion, as he waited for Sategllib to finally lift the sword...

o o o

As Sirvir began to inspect the source of the thrown rock, another one pelted him between the eyes, blinding him temporarily. Just long enough to be boarded by the brave Sir Optimize.

The plan was simple. It was known that by simply changing a Rejystree option, Sirvir could be easily toggled between it's seemingly invincible Sirvir mode and the much weaker Wyrkstayshun mode. The Rejystree was deep within Sirvir, and would invalidate the lycensahgreemen.

Optimize took his dagger and ripped a hole into Sirvir's back, just large enough to slip inside. Wedge jumped down from a nearby tree to keep Sirvir occupied. Biggs continued to pelt the ungodly beast with rocks.

As he searched the Ryjystree, Optimize was shocked at the amount of inefficiency inherent in the design of Sirvir. But no matter now, the mission was quite clear. He came to a regystree option which matched the description given to him by King Gatesway.

As he attempted to make the change, two spiders came down on silken threads stopping Sir Optimize.

"The Wyrker threads is what we be."
"That which we protect, ye shan't see."
"Make this change, ye shall not."
"Leave here now, or ye shall rot."
"We know of your illicit intent."
"This Sirvir ye shall not dent."

Unconvinced that this was the proper option, Optimize continued on.

After cutting through layer after layer of inefficent rings of flab, the target became visible. Optimize quickly moved over to it and performed the necessary task...

o o o

Sategllib finally managed to swing the sword and missed miserably, sticking the sword permanently into a rock. As Gatesway went to swing at Sategllib, he ran away.

Gatesway laughed heartily, but the laugh quickly became sadness as the stark reality overcame him. The Kingdom of Dos-a-lot had been ravaged. The war had truly been lost, they were simply delaying the inevitable by destroying Sirvir.

"I may not be able to defeat you at swordplay, but can you defeat me at Monster Chariot Racing?!?! Once you try a state-of-the-art, Dy-rect-ecks enabled game made by Micro$oft you will be glad I destroyed your puny village!!!" said Sategllib.

Gatesway sheathed the sword Pentium, and circled Sategllib. Such a puny mass of flesh, yet the richest noble in the land. Why had he parted from the Coders of the Round Disk many years before? He simply could not conform, if he could not set the form.

"I will accept thine challenge, but be warned. I will never betray the fantastic Dos-a-lot."

Sategllib lost the game to Gatesway.


Sategllib lost the second game to Gatesway.


"Mildly amusing, too bad about the choppyness, and the overall low quality." quipped Gatesway.

o o o

"I DID IT, HAS ANYTHING HAPPENED?" Optimize yelled up to the surface.

"No! Nothing has happened, I repeat, NOTHING HAS HAPPENED!" cried out Wedge.

Biggs pelted another rock at Sirvir and climbed a tree. As Sirvir passed underneath, he dropped down next to Wedge.

"What happened, has it been done?"

"Yes, but nothing has happened."

Inside the monstrosity, Optimize sat down after kicking a rather unimportant looking Dee-ell-ell, which was merely sucking away at a resource or whatnot. An apparition appeared.

"Your mission has begun, yet it has not been completed. Another regystree option remains, but it is guarded by two "wyrker threds" which aim to stop thee. Seek an alternate method and ye shall prevail."

It suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke, leaving behind a sword. Optimize picked up the sword, noticing that it looked very much like King Gatesway's sword, the good sword Pentium.

Optimize knew exactly what to do. He returned to the two spiders, and quickly slayed them with the sword. After making the change, the Sirvir began to shake.

Wedge and Biggs were thrown off the mighty beast, which was quickly becoming a very unmighty beast. As it continued to shrink smaller and smaller, Wedge and Biggs wondered if Optimize could escape.

The Sirvir became smaller and smaller, and Optimize was nowhere to be seen.

o o o

"That will teach you, you insignificant twerp."

King Gatesway was dead. Thirteen arrows had struck him in the chest.

"Now for your sword... Hmm, where is it? I can't seem to find it. No matter. It is unimportant now."

o o o

The Sirvir was no bigger than a tree stump now.

Suddenly it exploded spreading gore all around the immediate area. Curled in a tight ball was Sir Optimize!

Biggs and Wedge both exclaimed, after wiping their faces of Sirvir's remains, "SIR OPTIMIZE! DOST ART ALIVE!"

"'Course... Had to optimize my body mass to the smallest possible space. How'd you think I got my nickname? By being bloated and inefficient?" he said with a smile.

"Now that the menance is dead, let's go find King Gatesway, he must've dispatched Sategllib by now!"

"Let's go!" said both Wedge and Biggs.

"Not so fast."

All three turned around to see Sategllib, wearing Gatesway's armor. It had a baker's dozen of holes in it.

"What have you done with our liege."

"Oh him? He's dead." Sategllib said said nonchallantly.

Optimize's anger boiled over, "You miserable wretch!"

He swung the mighty Pentium at Sategllib, cutting his head off, sending it straight into the air. It landed with a thud on a nearby flagpole, waving the emblem of Micro$oft. Where do you want to go today?

o o o

The remaining residents of the Kingdom of Dos-a-lot had attended the coronation of King Optimize.

They were now at Lake Intel, the dead body of King Gatesway laid on a raft. As it floated to the center of the lake, King Optimize ordered the arrow to be shot.

A single, flaming arrow arced in the sky, landing directly on the raft, setting it ablaze. A moment of silence. An eternity of hope.

"DOS-A-LOT LIVES ON!" cried King Optimize!

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Date this article was posted to 7/16/1999
(Note that this date does not necessarily correspond to the date the article was written)

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