Kingdom of Dos-a-lot
as told by Sir Optimize and written by Carlos DaSilva

Part the First

Yea to all ye who rolleth thine eyes on this ancient scroll, er... Usenet post...

A large crowd was gathered in the Castle square. A coder in shining armor (tis I!) stood in the center. He was atop the black stallion known as Assem-blur.

"I am Sir Optimize, and I represent the noble Kingdom of Dos-a-lot, ruled fairly and justly by the great King Gatesway. There has been rumors echoing alongst the countryside of an evil presence by the name of Sategllib, ruler of Clan Micro$oft (what parts of his body this means to describe, I shall never know)." I said. The crowd laughed warmly.

I continued, "He owns a large dragon by the name of Wyndoes. This evil dragon plans to conquer all of Dos-a-lot, and the neighboring kingdoms of Uniches, Crap-in-toosh, and yes, even the mysterious 'Oh... Es Tu.'" Their collective awe was unnerving.

"This large dragon may have a weakness. While it promises to shield us from the tyrannies of King Gatesway (and his twin princes Autoeggsekbat and Konfygsis) we all know better than to believe this mindless drivel." The crowd began to cheer.

"The Kingdom Dos-a-lot has history, and many stories to tell. Thousands have roamed the lands producing such fantastic art that our minds still reel from their beauty. Think of the great Crew of Future, and their Reality the 2nd and Panic. Think of the greatness of id and their Duum and Kway-keh" The crowd murmured amongst themselves, remembering the good times. I turned slowly on my horse to address the rest of the audience.

"What has this evil dragon to offer? A heretic scroll known only as Dy-rect-ecks. Blasphemy! Blasphemy! Great prophets and wizards have predicted the future of great gaming and tis not in what is trendy, or what the blasphemous Sategllib wishes, no... forces you to think. It claims to give you unparalleled wonder under the confines of the most damning rules.

Never forget the forgiving Kingdom Dos-a-lot. It may take longer to set up shop and home in Dos-a-lot, but when you finally do, the benefits reaped are unparalleled. "The crowd cheered more forcefully this time. Just then several loud horse clops were heard.

"What twas that? Aha, tis King Gatesway, and his trusty thoroughbred Wattkomm. He himself has come to rile up your adventurous spirit, and to bring this vile treacherous combination of Sategllib and Wyndoes to a satisfying shutdown." The crowd was in a frenzy now. Chants of "Gatesway" made their way into the king's aged ears in surround sound.

King Gatesway rode out in the middle of the square, surrounded by hundreds of loyal citizens, wish to know what was their fate. He spoke slowly, yet surely... "Citizens of Dos-a-lot, we have lived peacefully for many years now. It is a sad fact, but remember that Sategllib provided us with this tract of land on which we could prosper. Unfortunately, an oversight in the original clause forced us to allow him to bring the evil dragon Wyndoes here, in which to wantonly graze on our resources. It wasn't as bad as we thought, we could banish him when we wished, and summon him when we needed him. It wasn't a bad situation at all. But when, Sategllib terminated Wyndoes, and brought in a new dragon. A larger dragon. A more resource-hungry dragon by the name of..."

"Wyndoes 95." a nasal voice said.

The crowd turned to see where the voice came from. Just then, the sky turned black and the trees became alight with fire! Riding on the new dragon Wyndoes neck, was the evil Sategllib! Wyndoes, who was rumored to weigh over 100 megabytes and growing each day, towered over the small castle of Commandcom.

He spoke with a nasal voice that was difficult to understand, yet annoying to the ears. "Yes, you heard me correctly. Wyndoes 95! We have come to abolish you, and your petty kingdom! Dos-a-lot is no longer necessary!"

A circle opened up around King Gatesway, as he stood alone. Everyone else cowered as far as they could. Now he spoke loudly, and with conviction. "Sategllib! Do you take us for fools? Our great wizards know of Wyndoes 95 and it's weaknesses. You know very well you cannot rid of us, for without us, you cannot feed Wyndoes' voracious appetite for resources! Yes, even Wyndoes 95 will require the services of Dos-a-lot!"

Sategllib beamed broadly, revealing his billion dollar pearly whites. "Your wizards are obviously not up to par. Do they know any weaknesses for my next dragon? Hmmm? I present to thee, the new and improved Wyndoes... Wyndoes EnnTee!!!"

A huge dragon, easily twice the size of Wyndoes, appeared. Several more appear from each side of the castle. When eight had appeared, Sategllib announced, "These are the Wyrkstayshuns... And now meet the grandest one of all, Sirvir... HAHAHA!" A gargantuan Dragon, easily twice the size of the Wyrkstayshun Wyndoes EnnTee's erupted from the ground. Immediately all the Wyrkstayshun's connected with the Sirvir.

They failed to connect, and were left hopeless unaware of what to do. Wyndoes 95 tried to connect with Sirvir, and he suffered from a Jenerl Protekshun Fallt. His weakness revealed, he had no choice but to go into Dos mode. Sategllib was quick to point... "No matter, the Sirvir alone will crush you all! Now, Gatesway. Kneel before me and profess the greatness of the Wyndoes family."

Gatesway dropped his great sword, "Pentium" and descended from his noble stallion. He began very slowly to drop to one knee. "We may not provide you with the best means to visit the information superdirtroad, and alas Wyndoes is the way to do that."

I yelled out, "No! Not you, oh great King Gatesway, surely you jest?"

Gatesway turned to me and waved me back. "Sir Optimize, please, it is not your place." His knee dropped even lower, almost touching the ground now. "Dos-a-lot cannot compete in productivity, and alas Wyndoes is the way to do that."

I could hardly look anymore.

As Gatesway knee was mere inches from the ground, he said, "Dos-a-lot has been in existence for much longer than it perhaps should of, because of its ability to entertain better than Wyndoes. And alas Wyndoes..."

Sategllib was foaming from the mouth, "YES?!? YES!?! GO ON..."

"along with Dy-rect-ecks..."

Sategllib looked very disheveled now, his glasses nearly falling off his face, "REMEMBER THAT I CREATED YOU, AND I SHALL DESTROY YOU..."

"is simply the..."

"SPEAK NOW!!!"

"WORST GAMING PLATFORM EVER DEVISED!!!! FIGHT!!! FIGHT,EVERYONE!!! FIGHT FOR DOS-A-LOT!!!"

I turned around and already the war had begun. The more veteran Dos-a-lot citizens, along with the Coders of the Look-up Table jumped into action. Micro$oft's rather large army of public relations marched over the hill, as the Sirvir torched various clusters of the land. Who will win? I know not, for the battle still rages on.

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Date this article was posted to GameDev.net: 7/16/1999
(Note that this date does not necessarily correspond to the date the article was written)

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